never pretty enough.

I follow several inspirational photographers on Tumblr, Twitter, Flickr, Blogger, Facebook, and so on and most of them are amazing self-portrait artists. I've always tried my hand at doing self-portraits, but I've never felt pretty enough to do them. The inspiration only comes when I'm alone and when I feel the most down. Then I try and most often I end up frustrated because I only believe that I'm proving myself correct. I take pictures. I see all of my flaws and never pay attention to the things that might be beautiful. So, today... some of this changed... maybe.

I've had a very stressful year this year. From death to life to lost to loved to hated to shattered; all of it. It's all going to be okay, though. At least that's what I have to constantly tell myself. If I don't then I'm not going to make it through. So what to do when I'm alone and feeling completely shattered?



And though I just typed this, the horrible feelings come back the second I look at my phone. They try and bring me down, and honestly they're succeeding. They've won. I've lost, and they have won.

I thought that maybe, just maybe she would be on my side, but she's not. They're not. Anyways, now that I'm feeling awful again, I'm going to go ahead and post the pictures I took. The ones that I felt at least okay in. Now I'm doubting them.

So I have to do it before I don't.
That's all I've got to say.

sing 'cause its obvious.

I don't sing. I don't do many things. But there are many things that I do, and not all of them are good... as I have learned. Sometimes, I hate myself so much that I just curl up into a ball and cry. I can never talk to anyone about it, because its pathetic, right? I try not to have any pity for myself. And just when I think I'm stabilized, it happens again and I burst into tears. Jealousy, and loneliness fill me, almost always.

I love my best friend. I know that I've probably ruined her life. I just wish that I could be a better person. I wish that I wasn't so sensitive. I wish that right now, as I write this, that I wasn't crying. Because that makes me who I am, and that part of who I am, I hate. It's the bad part of me, its the part that nobody wants to be around, the part that makes me have so few friends.I'm a bitch, I get it. I'm the weird kid, the one who listens to the bands that wear eyeliner, and who spends most of her time on the computer, designing stuff or talking to people that she's never met face-to-face, because other than her best friend, that's all she has.

I'm annoying and young, and maybe that's also a factor. I get it, now more than ever, that I'm just a 'baby'. I've heard the word 'baby' so many times in the past few months, that if I had a dollar, or maybe even a quarter for every time, I would be a rich girl. I hate being this 'baby' but I realize that I am kind of a baby, however that's not what they all mean by it.

I like to take pictures, I love photography. I like to express my emotions through photography. The picture above, I was feeling similar to how I'm feeling right now, so it was kind of appropriate to post it... I guess
.There is so much self-hate going through my body right now. Why am I like this? I don't want to be like this. I want to be better for myself and for my friend(s). I know at some point, she will read this. And that's fine, because it's not entirely her fault that I'm upset. Just know this... I love you.

That's it, because I don't want to say anything more.

sick and tired.

I'm so ready for school to be over that it pains me to get up and go every day. This week, I thought would be fine. I thought it would go by quickly, and that it would be all right because everyone would have loosened up and nobody will give me crap. Low and behold I was entirely incorrect. Like more than just entirely. I was in such a good mood all day. Honestly. A good mood. And then it was time for English. And, sure I may be a little on the inadequate side because I don't have my driver's license yet, but having one doesn't make you "cool". Seriously.

This morning, my sister (who is younger and drives) and I stopped at the convenience store to get something to drink. I saw my English teacher, Mrs. Johnson, there. She said hello, and I didn't think much of it... until class. Here's how it went.

"I saw that your sister chauffeurs you around now." - Mrs. Johnson.
"No, we just ride to school together." - Me.
"Yeah, but she drives." - Mrs. Johnson.
"And Sarah doesn't drive." - Student 1
"Why don't you drive? You're almost eighteen." - Student 2.
"Yeah, almost eighteen and doesn't have her license." - Student 3.
" You should really get your license." - Student 4.
"I wish you guys would stop making fun of me and be quiet, because you honestly don't know how much crap I get for not having my license yet. Seriously." - Me.
"I wasn't making fun of you." - Mrs. Johnson.
"I was!" - Student 2.
*students one through four continue to glare at me as I sit and tear up.*

These are the people who make high school hateworthy. "Oh, 'its the best time of your life'." It sure as hell isn't the best time of my life. God, why cant I be older? And the thing is, that in my English class, there were four other students without their licenses, but they picked on who? --- me. And the teacher just egged it on.
Not only was that terrible, but after I got home I discovered that my sister locked my cat in her bedroom, and what do you expect a cat to do when it has no litter box? She peed on her bed and crapped in her floor. I said it was her fault, and after about half an hour of yelling and arguing, I ended up cleaning it up, but definitely making sure to leave a little something behind... on her air vent.

Right now I'm installing The Sims 3. I'm going to go relax. Stress isn't good on the pores.

Later, everyone.